


Tell Me About Your Heart

by funkylittlebisexuall



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adoptive Parent Bobby Singer, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Falling in Love, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel and Jimmy Novak are Twins (Supernatural), Closeted Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Doctor Castiel (Supernatural), Domestic Fluff, F/F, F/M, Firefighter Dean Winchester, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Med Student Castiel (Supernatural), Minor Character Death, Openly Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Road Trips, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Summer Love, but not by Cas or Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:54:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24481585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funkylittlebisexuall/pseuds/funkylittlebisexuall
Summary: How far can Castiel run from his family? Pretty far, Lawrence Kansas, apparently.After the death of his brother, Castiel runs away from his family, and his past, straight into Dean Winchester.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Castiel & Jimmy Novak (Supernatural), Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester, Dorothy Baum/Charlie Bradbury, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester
Comments: 11
Kudos: 26





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope someone likes this weird little story :)  
> Comments are cool

**_“I feel you everywhere,_ **

**_I look for you in everything”_ **

****

When he was younger, Castiel was convinced growing up was a myth. Now, sitting alone on his younger brother's empty bed, he wished that were true. He’d pulled a book from the shelf nestled in the corner of the large room. His arms felt heavier the longer he held the book in his lap, he tried to repress the memories his mind had stripped from the cover, but as he’d discovered over the last few days, repressing thoughts of Alfie was impossible. He felt his step mother before he saw her and the look she had set on the back of his head. He could see it without turning around, disappointed but pitiful. 

****

“You can not stay in here forever, Castiel.” Her words were softer than Cas preempted, as if she was holding the venom in her teeth, waiting. 

****

“Are they here?” 

****

“Your brothers and sister are waiting downstairs.”

****

He looked down at the cover of the book, a familiarity of his childhood. One that he pulled memories off, trying to feel something, anything. His knees pulled him up off the bed and down the stairs before he could dwell on it for too long. 

****

**

****

Anna clung to his arm, whispering her sobs in his ear. She’d told him that it was ok if he didn’t cry, that funerals could be overwhelming and that everyone reacted differently. And as Castiel sat there, his sister on one arm, his other hand wound tightly in his twin brother's hand and felt his older brothers arm around both of their shoulders watching as his other brother was lowered into the ground, he only felt the silent tugging he’d been feeling all week and held his siblings tighter. 

****

_Far too young, they said._

****

_Our condolences, they said._

****

_If you need anything, they said._

****

He stands at the end of the line of Shurley-Novaks and wonders how long he will have to listen to his mother’s assertive proclamations of gratitude and his father's whispered questions of thanks. Castiel doesn’t thank any of the leechy, insufferable snots who pass the line, most of them barely haven set eyes on Alfie when he was alive. Anna pulled at his sleeve and stared puffy red eyes at him and he heard his heart break even more. He tugged at the corners of his mouth until she too turned to the next person shuffling from the cemetery and uttered a small thank you, paired with Micheal’s professional acknowledgment, Gabriel's affirmation, Jimmy’s identical thanks and Castiel’s silence. 

****

He finds the rest of the day unravels in a similar style, everyone around him is sympathetic and he is silent. His silence stretches and he can feel it wrap itself around his throat until it chokes him and he’s knelt, alone in front of the toilet and retches until his throat burns and his eyes bloodshot. 

**

****

“Sometimes i just can’t believe how ugly you got, prepping it up at Stanford.” 

****

“Shut your face.” After Months of phone calls and missed texts Dean could finally fill the passenger seat in the Impala with his little brother. He’d driven all the way from Kansas as a surprise for Sammy. Dean felt comfortable. He felt safe. 

**_  
  
_**

**

****

Castiel’s arms were heavy, his ankle had cramped and felt the skin under his eyes sagging into bags. His bag of hastily thrown clothes sat heavily in the backseat. 

****

He could feel Alfie somewhere in the darkness. Every breath he took reminded him that his brother would never take another, every mile he drove a reminder that his little brother would never see another adventure. He felt selfish.

****

The tugging was back. It tugged at his lungs until he broke the silence with soft whispered sobs. The first time he’d cried in a week. It tugged at his eyes until the road was blurring. 

****

The front of his car swerved until it crunched under the force of the tree trunk. He felt his forehead smack the top of the steering wheel. The tugging on his lungs stopped and was replaced with a searing in his temple.

****

**

****

Sam had started pestering an hour ago. 

****

“For god sakes Dean find a motel.” They’d driven from Palo Alto that morning and all Dean wanted was to get him and his brother home, so he ignored the ache in his arms and the cramp in his ankle and opted to entertain his brother with naive - car games and terrible singing. For the most part, the two brothers were content. Even if he would never admit it Sam enjoyed the break from his new and established life and a dip into the one he’d left behind in Kansas. A comfortable feeling settled into his belly. 

****

Dean noticed the smoke first and then the crushed front of the car. His body winced as sympathy flooded his body. 

****

“Should we stop?”

****

“That’s what I’ve been saying for the best of an hour Dean!” Dean frowned at his brother. He’d obviously not noticed the crashed car a few meters ahead of them now, still too focused on his brother to worry about anything or anyone else. Dean rolled his eyes and jerked his head to the crash site. Sam’s eyes widened and as they got closer, now centimeters away from the car, Sam let out a timmered breath.

****

“Cas?”

****

Before Dean could even think about stopping the car Sam had the door open and was crouched in front of the man who was wrapped in a suit. Pulling over to the side of the road in front of the crash, Dean got out and stood a few feet from where his brother had coaxed the apparent non-stranger into a soft conversation. Dean notices Sam’s hand next. It was placed almost cautiously on the crown of the man's head, carefully avoiding the obvious stream of blood and tears on his face. Dean would have been suspicious if he hadn’t met Jess the minute he’d arrived in Palo Alto. No, Sam’s hand implied a brotherly love, caring and comfort rather than affection or desire. Dean felt a pang of jealousy bubble in his stomach during his deductions and was too consumed by it to realise that his brother had turned on the spot on the side of the road to look imploringly up at him.

****

Dean’s brain hadn’t caught up yet and all he could muster up was a dumbly uttered questioning of the look on his brother's face.

****

“I said, we need to take him to a hospital.” Sam looked almost annoyed at Dean and it bubbled the jealousy in his stomach once more, Sam had looked so kind and comforting at the stranger and couldn’t turn the bitch face off for his older brother. The reply to Sam’s statement didn’t come from Dean as the young man would have hoped but the bundle of tweed on the side of the highway.

****

“I’m fine Sam, I promise, I just need a minute.” 

****

“Cas, you’re bleeding.”

****

The man, Cas, continued to mumble excuses to which Sam turned his attention from his brother to argue with him. Dean rolled his eyes and rounded the crashed car. He took in the damage to the front of the car. The front had crumpled and the windscreen had shattered. Dean lifted the bonnet of the BMW, consciously rolling his eyes because of course, Sam’s Stanford friend had a BMW, and smoke billowed from underneath, clumping in his throat. Dean knew that this guy had done some serious damage and wouldn’t be on the road in a while, not in his preppy BMW at least. 

****

Sam’s chest heaved as he took in a long breath. He sighed before asking Cas,

****

“Hey, you wanna get something to eat?”

****

“But my car-”

****

“We’ll figure it out after” Sam still had a soft tone to his voice and Dean couldn’t shake how caring Sam was to this man. Dean studied him again and saw how his eyes were sagging in their sockets and the stains on his cheeks. Maybe he should lay off him, he decided. Sam huddled Cas into the back of the Impala and they rumbled to the nearest opened restaurant. 

****

“So how do you know this guy?” Sam stared at Dean in disbelief. A look he was familiar with receiving from his little brother when he asked supposedly stupid questions but this one didn’t seem that unwarrented. 

****

“My roommate, Dean, Castiel Novak!” He whispered heavily into Dean’s side, an eyebrow raised. He quickly glanced at Cas in the back seat, making sure he couldn’t hear their conversation before rolling his eyes once again at his brother and elaborating. 

****

“I’ve mentioned him dozens of times on the phone and yesterday for that matter” Sam spoke, still in a tense whisper at his brother. Dean gave an embarrassed jerk of his head and flicked his eyes back to the road. 

****

The rest of the ride to a restaurant was tense and Dean just wanted to get out and leave this guy at some hospital and get back on the road and hear the laugh in the back of his brother’s throat again as they joked together.

****

Dean discovered a few minutes later that the air was not just thick in the confines of the Impala but seemed to follow them as they found a table and ordered their food. Dean scarfed down a bacon cheese burger, not worrying about the looks he was getting from his brother or the lack of eye contact he had made with Castiel. Once his burger was gone and he was in the middle of wiping the grease from his fingers, he suddenly felt the strong look he was getting from Sam and stopped, suddenly excusing himself from the table. 

****

Sam watched Dean shuffle to the back of the restaurant until he disappeared behind the toilet door. He turned back to look at his friend who seemed to still be studying the grease staining the paper underneath it. Castiel hadn't said much since they’d discovered him on the side of the road, which wasn't a far cry from the usual quiet state that his roommate was usually in but the sadness and despair that Sam could feel Cas stewing in made his skin crawl, his mind racing with what could have pulled a usually softly happy man into such a state.

****

“What’s happened, Cas?” The hard look he had been giving Dean dissipated from his face, leaving imploring eyes to try to telepathically tell Cas that it was ok, he could talk to him. Cas flicked his eyes from his sandwich to Sam and back to the sandwich and sighed. 

****

“Nothing for you to worry about, Sam. You’ve got your road trip with your brother to keep looking forward to. No need for me to slow you down.” Cas turned the outside of his lips up into somewhat of a smile, almost convincing Sam it was a smile. But his eyes wore the same, hard sadness that he’d studied on the side of the highway. Sam just shook his head. 

****

“No way man, I don’t want to push, really Cas, but I’m not leaving you with blood dripping down your face and a smashed up car.” His voice was still soft and his eyes were still set to caring and compassionate. Cas reached a self conscious hand to his temple and brushed some hair down to cover the stain of blood. 

****

“I promise Sam I can ring Jimmy, it was just a poorly planned trip gone wrong, nothing to worry about.” Sam still didn’t seem convinced because not only had such a conscious driver like Cas managed to total his car but the fact that he had planned a trip without his twin brother in the first place seemed odd to Sam, even if they didn’t live together anymore, Jimmy and Castiel very rarely did anything without the other. He couldn’t protest further because as he opened his mouth to, Dean plopped down beside him. And the air was filled once again with a tense silence. 

****

Breakfast goes much the same way. The air settled thickly against each of the three boys and when it was apparent that one bite was all that Cas was going to manage, they cleared out from the restaurant and Sam was able to convince both his brother and his roommate that they should check into a hotel. 

****

“At least let us clean you up Cas and then you can call Jimmy.” 

****

“And besides, this gives me an excuse to wrestle Dean into bed.” Cas seemed to not find any way to argue with Sam and Sam took his silence as an excuse to order Dean into the driveway of the next motel. And so he found himself being ushered into a dingy motel room and shoved on the nearest bed. Dean and Sam work almost routinely and Dean finds himself next to a very confused and anxious looking Castiel. 

****

“I’m just gonna’ clean it up and then put a bandaid on ya’ ’’ When Castiel didn’t soften at his explanation, Dean added, 

****

“I promise.” Cas’s shoulders sagged, not all the way but enough for Dean to be comfortable enough to reach out and use the disinfectant wipe he’d fished from the first aid box from the Impala and softly dab the stain of blood on Castiel’s forehead. As Dean is mopping up the blood from his brow, Cas mostly stares at his fidgeting hands in his lap. A dab that elicits a quick hiss from Cas brings his eyes to fix on Dean. Dean continues to fix up the man he’d barely known for a few hours and somehow feels comfortable in the gaze of his soft blue eyes. 

****

Dean straps the cuts littering Cas’s forehead and for a few moments they continue to just stare, taking each other in. it isn't until Dean breathes in a sigh and gives Cas a slap on the shoulder, declaring that he was all fixed did they break their connection. With that Dean faceplants on his bed and muffles a goodnight to Castiel.

****

When Sam ventures from the bathroom, he finds his brother face down, not a surprise. Further inspection doesn’t bring up any sign of Cas. Sam quietly calls his name as if Castiel was playing hide and seek and Cas had been hidden for too long. 

****

In his frantics, Sam flung the motel door open. There on the curb of the parking lot was a sullen looking Castiel. Sam took cautious steps before he sat next to his roommate. He stole a few glances before he realised Cas wasn’t going to say anything, let alone acknowledge his presence.

****

“So, any word from Jim?”

****

Cas once again studied the object closest to him rather than looking at Sam. “I didn’t call Jimmy, Sam.” Sam spluttered for a few seconds but couldn’t form a coherent sentence before Cas continued. 

****

“I can’t go back to that place Sam, I just can’t.”

****

“Why no-” Sam didn’t get to finish his sentence before his friend fixed his eyes on him. Him and Cas had been friends for two years now and Sam trusted Cas fiercely, something in his heart had told him from day one that this guy was something. At the time this had confused Sam greatly but overtime, as they shared more and more and became closer, Sam began to see Cas as something like a brother. Seeing Castiel’s eyes harden with sadness once again as they sat on the curb outside their motel room, he knew he wouldn’t be able to push the man into saying anything. So, instead Sam wrapped an arm around Cas’s shoulders, pulling him towards him slightly. Not wanting to force him into a weird side hug. But Cas, as he shifted closer to Sam and rested his head on Sam’s shoulder, seemed to need the comfort. 

**_  
  
_**

**

 **_  
  
_**

Cas woke up the next morning when he was tusselled from his sleep after being knocked into by a foot. When he barely blinked up he saw a sheepish Dean mutter a sorry before trotting outside. 

****

Turns out, Dean had gone to get breakfast and as they sat, munching on yet another round of bacon cheese burgers, besides Sam who Dean obviously knew wouldn’t eat the grease patty and instead got him some sort of veggie burger, Sam piped up for the first time that morning. 

****

“Why don’t you come with us, Cas?” When he suggested it, Cas loved the idea. The idea of going back to Lawrence with the man who he’d formed a close friendship with over the last two years. Meeting the rest of his family. Being cared for by his undoubtedly caring mother and clapped on the shoulder by Sam’s distant but caring father and being told how much Sam has told them about him. But as he looked at a hopeful Sam his eyes flicked to Dean who was badly concealing his distaste for the idea. And Cas once again knew he was unwanted. Ducking his head and the little hope that had bloomed in his belly wilting he tilted his head to look at Sam. 

****

“That’s ok Sam, thank you for the offer, but my brother will come and get me.” Sam bobbed like a goldfish at Cas’s obvious lie and started to protest. But he was cut off. 

****

“Where are you headed anyway.” Cas was surprised to say the least when he heard the older Winchester interject. Cas tilted his head and raised his eyebrows at him until he finally remembered the question he’d been asked. Cas’s brain began to fizzle as it frantically tried to think of a destination that could have possibly made any sense. 

****

“My grandparents, they live in St Louis” Sam furrowed his eyebrows, obviously remembering their conversation from the night before and Cas’ complete lack of mention of any plans. Cas didn’t look at him. 

****

“Well, that’s on the way, we drop you off” Despite the help he was offering, Dean did not sound charitable but rather like he was bargaining an alternative to a chore with his parents. Cas didn’t care about Dean’s sentiments, he just knew there was no way he was going back to New York. 

****

After making arrangements to get his car towed to St Louis, Cas, Sam and Dean pile once again into the Impala. 

****

“Ok, Cas, some ground rules, no bitching, no moaning, no eating. You break something you bet your ass you're paying for it. And if Sam and I have an argument you have to immediately be on my side.” Cas, who had started out being terrified of the speech Dean seemed to be giving him, ended the lecture with a hesitant smile on his face and as he met Dean’s eyes he saw a similar one on his face. He heard Sam retort to his brother's petty excuse of an insult but ultimately Dean and Cas just stared, not looking for anything, just comfortable in each other's eyes. 

****

They drove for what felt to Cas like ten hours but as Dean announced was only three. He had drifted off at some point and Sam and Dean began to rattle off the tail of what happened, ‘while he was sleeping.’

****

“So, this bird hits the windshield right?” Dean starts 

****

“And we were like, ‘what the hell’ it nearly cracked the windscreen.” Sam continued, Dean picked up where he left off. 

****

“And then this massive swarm of Bees just absolutely covers the whole car.” 

****

“And then we were like should we pull over and so we did.”

****

“We waited for the Bees to go away and we got out of the car.”

****

“And then this old man just comes out of nowhere and attacks us-” Cas watched Dean as the younger man stared at him through the rear view mirror. His story becomes more and more outlandish and unbelievable. A smile broke out across his face and his brother brang his hand over to hold his bicep while shouting victoriously that he gets another point. 

****

Cas stared bewildered at the two Winchesters in the front seat who both ended up hunched over in giggles. Eventually Dean started to explain. 

****

“It’s a car game, we were on the road a bit when we were younger so me and Sam always created games to pass the time. Mum always used to fall asleep so, when she woke up we would create these stupid-ass stories and the aim was to make them believe you.”

****

“Dad always gave it away though.” Dean and Sam were both smiling and Cas soon felt one of his own spread across his lips. They rattled off more facts about how, ‘While you were sleeping’ as they had affectionately named it and soon Cas found himself thinking of his own family’s road trips. 

****

He remembers one when he was nine years old. A trip to go and see his father's parents. His grandparents. They were halfway through the journey, probably on the road that he’s on right now he thinks, and he was jammed in between Jimmy and the window. They had been quietly playing Mr. Squiggle, Cas’s new favourite game since, Tracey Maree had shown him a few weeks ago during art, until his mother broke her quiet argument with his father to berte them for making too much noise. After that Cas and Jimmy stayed in relative silence until Alfie leaned over from the backseat and asked the twins to explain the drawings to them. They make sure that they keep their voices to the quietest whisper that they can muster. His smile grows as the happy memories of his brothers fill the backseat. 

****

As with most happy memories of Alfie, they soon turned sour and that tugging sensation was back. Sadness hardened his eyes and felt it settle in his stomach. His body was numb with unease but he couldn’t do anything, he was trapped in the backseat of the car with two now silently happy Winchesters. The silence acted as a path for his somber thoughts to wander and soon sombreness turned to sadness and his body was numb. 

****

They pulled over to the next motel after another hour of driving and happy conversation between the two brothers and silent sadness from Castiel. They book into a room and Cas bundles himself on the second motel floor for the second day. Alfie permeates his thoughts as he listens to the two brothers argue above him. Alfie. 


	2. 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this will probably be a really weird posting schedule but I finished this and hope someone likes it :)  
> comments are cool

**_“Until I’m ready let me be._ **

**_I have to heal myself”_ **

_“Castiel, I’ve phoned you 11 times now, for god's sake pick up the damn phone. I’m worried about you Cas. Obviously. We all are. Michael is driving me up the wall. I need you Cas. I know this is hard, it's hard for all of us, I just really need to know that you’re ok. please call me back.”_

  
  


Castiel’s chest heaved with a sigh as his phone beeped at him telling him that that was all his brother had to say. He knew he should have texted Jimmy by now, or his mother or any of his other siblings who had texted and called. But whenever he went to type out an explanation his chest deflated and he shoved his phone back in his pocket. His family had been the only thing on his mind for days now. When he woke up this morning and then when they’d been on the road for an hour and now as he leaned against Dean Winchester’s car as the boys filled it with gas. 

“That your brother?” Cas hadn’t had so much as a conversation with Sam’s older brother and it made Castiel wonder when Dean decided he could ask what seemed to Castiel as such a personal question. He nodded

“He sounds pretty worried about you, you didn’t tell him where you were going?” 

“Are you conducting an investigation?” Of course when he first saw Dean, once his eyes had stopped blurring everything together, Cas had started for too long. He knew that. He couldn’t help himself, Dean Winchester was obviously attractive, and at the time he seemed like a fairly decent man. Now as Dean smirked at him, obviously getting some kind of enjoyment from visibly getting underneath his skin, Cas wasn’t so sure.

“Should I be?” Cas just rolled his eyes and shouted that he was going to the ATM over his shoulder at the oldest Winchester. He had felt guilty the night before just crashing in on the Winchester’s and knew that Dean definitely resented him on some level if the looks he got from Dean when Sam would devote his attention to Cas. So he figured that paying for their next motel would help to win Dean over even if just a fraction. 

He knew he couldn’t use one of his mother-paid credit cards to pay for a motel because he knew his mother would try and track him down in some way. Jimmy wasn’t the only one calling and texting him; he'd gotten 20 missed calls, each one with an increasingly annoyed sounding Naomi in his voicemail. So he figured getting some money out in a small town that he wouldn’t be in in a few minutes would be his safest bet. Castiel plucked through the steps of the ATM and when he pocketed his three hundred dollars, Cas turned to bypass the line that he’d heard shuffle in behind him and came face to face with an uncomfortably close familiar face.

“Hey little bro’.”

**

Dean’s face scrunched into a frown and his arms were folded across his chest, trying to show his brother how annoyed he really was. Sam ignored him. 

“What is taking your college boy so long?” 

“Lay off, Dean.” 

“I’m just saying why can't rich boy just ring someone to come get him. I doubt it would be much of a stretch.”

“What is your problem with Cas anyway, you’ve been pissy since we found him.”

Dean rolls his eyes

“I’m worried about him. Going on a spur of the moment road trip, especially without at least one of his brothers..that’s not Cas. He was never excited to go home for the summer but I remember how excited he was to see his little brother. It just doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yeh well, whatever it is would it kill him to hurry up.” Dean huffed, earning him an eye roll from Sam. Just as Dean turned to get into the Impala he came face to face with a frantic Castiel kicking the dust up as he ran towards him. He couldn’t make out what the man was saying but as he got closer, Dean realised that he was telling him to get into the car. Dea scrunched up his eyebrows.

“Get in the car.” Cas was out of breath and frantic and Sam was already in the driver's seat, having pushed Dean out of the way, obviously alarmed by his friend's frantics. So Dean slid in beside the frantic man and slammed the door shut. The air inside the old car was tense. And heavy. Too heavy for any of them to say anything and too warm for any of the three men to make any coherent thought. Cas was still frantic, if his heaving chest was anything to go off of, and Dean could feel it rubbing off on him

“So, we’re not going to talk about what happened?” 

“No” 

“Well, I’m pretty sure screaming at me to take off while some guy runs after you warrants a teeny tiny explanation.” 

“He’s my brother.” 

“Why are you running away from Gabe, Cas?” Dean’s jealousy didn't miss the way Sam nicknamed both Castiel and his brother. For a while the Impala was silent, like it had been for most of the day. Sam seemed to know however that the silence Castiel was holding towards his question wasn’t out of ignorance and so Sam wasn't pushing the lie he would have with Dean. No Sam knew Castiel well enough to know that he would answer eventually if given enough time. Dean’s hackles rose at the obvious closeness the two had and seemed to block any sympathy Dean could have towards the obviously shaken Castiel next to him. 

Before he could dwell in it for too long, Castiel’s voice was breaking the silence. Sam had pulled over to the side of the road, off the highway they’d turned onto and looked back at Castiel, raising both eyebrows. Castiel’s chest rose with a sigh and Dean was excited to finally get an explanation but Castiel just looked at Sam. Dean could only see half of Castiel’s face but he assumed from the sigh that this time came from his brother, he could decipher Castiel’s look. Dean felt his jealousy rise to a simmer this time. Staring at the side of Castiel's head seemed to turn the older man's head and now the Dean could see his whole face. Dean was taken aback when he realised that Castiel was tugging at the corners of his lips trying to...smile at Dean. 

“You should count yourself lucky, you do not want to meet Gabriel anyway.” Dean could hear how desperate Castiel was, could hear it slither out from the tips of his lips, desperate for them to drop the conversation and move on. So Dean smiled back just as Sam snorted and pulled back onto the highway. Small, barely even there and decided that the desperation in Castiel’s voice was enough for him to cave and pander to Castiel’s attempt at changing the subject. 

“Look man, I get it, brothers are annoying as hell i'm not gonna lie and say I've never wanted to run screaming from Sam.” Sam turned around with a bitch face that never failed to make the inner big brother in him smile knowing he’d successfully pissed off the little brother. 

“Hey, all the best little brothers are called Sam.” 

“That’s a fun little niche you’ve carved out for yourself Sammy.” 

“Me and Samandirel dominate our niche, right Cas?” Castiel is silent once again. Any faux happiness he’d been forcing out of his pores gone and replaced with the sullen face he’d been wearing since Dean met him. 

“Yes.”

  
  



	3. 3.

**_“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear”_ **

When he was nine years old, Castiel’s teacher sent him home with his new favourite book.

**_‘Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_ ** _.’_

His step-mother hadn’t blinked an eye at him when he had over-enthused the story. He had much the same luck with both of his older brother’s who looked down their noses at his ‘children’s book’. It wasn’t until he holed Jimmy, Alfie and Anna under a blanket in the corner of his room that his passion for the wizarding world was met with anything but distaste. He read the story to his little brother and sister and Jimmy read along over his shoulder. They did that with most books, Castiel would read them out loud under a blanket with a torch and if Anna could make her puppy eyes big enough he would construct voices for the characters. 

When they got to the end of the Harry Potter series a few weeks later, Castiel found himself becoming envious of Harry. Harry Potter lived a life of adventure and excitement and then along the way he had found two best friends, a girl who loved him and a caring family that he could fit himself into. Of course Castiel was not Harry potter. His seven siblings were a far cry from an orphan. But the loneliness that was often wound tight around him however, did cushion his closeness to his family, sometimes making him feel like some sort of orphan. Because no matter how large his family got, no matter how many siblings he had or the many women who came in and out of his wife on his father's arm, he was always lonely. An outsider. 

The bump of the Impala against the potholes of the road smacked Castiel’s head against teh window. Castiel lifted his eyes from the fleeting highway, rubbing the bump on his forehead, to the front of the car. The two Winchester brothers were still bickering. He had discovered on their impromptu road trip that they often behaved like this. He guessed it must be their version of love language in a way. Because having spent time with Sam Winchester, sure they had their playful arguments but more often than not, their relationship was mainly consisting of weird existential conversations and a peppering of their mutual dark sense of humour. This Sam was a different Sam. This Sam cosplayed as a lumberjack, swamped in plaid and his words tilted with some sort of midwestern twinge the longer he spent with his brother. 

“Dean you can’t seriously think we can keep driving.” 

“Why not?”

“We will run out of gas and then we’ll be stuck on the side of the highway all because you have some weird obsession with spontaneously being back in Lawrence in two days.”

“We already passed the gas station, we’ll stop at the next one.”

“Just turn around.”

“No.”

“Yes.” Cas felt Sam and Dean detour away from the actual matter at hand with their argument and he himself was sided with Sam. More so when he heard the Impala chip into the argument as it clunked along the highway. 

“Baby, can hold more gas than you think Sammy, we’ve got miles before she runs out.” The Impala didn’t agree. Her clunking got louder and louder until Castiel could feel the car slowing down and his eyes were wide with anxiety.

Oh no. 

“Shit.” Was all Dean dared utter as he swerved from the middle of the high to the small ditch at the side. The car was silent as Dean studied the steering wheel and Sam glared at the side of Dean’s face. 

“If you say ‘I told you so’ I will smack you Sammy.” Sam raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips at his brother who opened his car door and slammed it with a huff. Castiel remained in the back. Seat belt on and hands gripping the leather of the backseat. Of course this would happen. Why wouldn’t it. They’ll be stuck on the side of the road for days knowing his luck and by that time Gabriel will have caught up or Michael or God forbid his mother leave New York. He’ll be dragged back to New York, whether he’s kicking and screaming or not, and spend the rest of the summer mind numbingly depressed. 

Cas had obviously been on his tangent, in his mind for longer than a normal person would space out because Sam had turned in his seat and this time his eyebrows were furrowed in what could be either more worry or pity. Either one made Castiel’s stomach churn. 

“C’mon Cas.” And with that, It was Sam’s turn to swing his door open and stand on the side of the highway. When Cas followed and stood next to Sam, they were both leaning against the side of the Impala, watching Dean hover over the bare engine of the Impala, muttering under his breath. 

“He hasn’t touched her since dad died.” Cas’s raised an eyebrow at Sam. It was very out of the blue and Castiel wondered why Sam was all of a sudden reminding him how long it has been since his brother had touched a woman. And Cas would rather not think about how straight the older, hot Winchester was. 

“The car Cas.” Sam must have picked up on his gay, inner panick and understood he needed clarification. Cas’s mouth stretched into an ‘O’, finally understanding Sam. 

“It’s like he thought there was a part of dad in the car and if he touched her it’d disappear.” 

“So we’re stuck on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere because your brother has a weird attachment to his car.” Sam chuckled and clutched Cas’s shoulder rolling his eyes. 

“Cheery as ever Cassie.” Castiel would forever curse the day that Gabriel and Sam met and his brother had infected his roommate with the irritating nickname all his siblings seemed to think was hilarious. 

This was why he liked Sam. He was an easy person to talk with even if you’d known him for two seconds. Sam and Cas had known each other for two years now so their easy repore had built up and Cas found himself being eternally grateful for Sam Winchester. 

Then the hood of the Impala was snapped shut and Dean stalked around the side of the car and stood, bow legged in front of them, not saying anything but looking furious. 

“We’re out of gas.” Sam’s chest heaved with a sigh and his eyes darted to the side not looking at his brother. Dean however was staring wholeheartedly at his brother, daring him to say something, anything. Sam straightened out, already starting to tower over Dean as he got older. 

“I told you so.” Dean rolls his eyes and groans. 

“Yeh, well not much we can do now. College boy and I will just have to walk back to that gas station and bring back some fuel.” Castiel had expected some sort of bickering to occur before any sort of solution was met but as he heard Dean’s plans his neck straightened out and stared at Dean. Was he serious? Castiel was sure Dean hated him at the very least. He would never have assumed that he would volunteer to go on, what definitely became overnight, a walk to a gas station and back in the middle of nowhere.

“Look, I’m sure you’re a swell guy but I barely trust Sammy with baby by himself, let alone a relative stranger.” It wasn’t Cas who started to argue but Sam. Castiel couldn’t hear him though because he was still staring at Dean. Who was staring back. It made sense, logically but crossing wires with Dean Winchester, by themselves for at least a day dialled his stomach onto the anxiety cycle. Sam had stopped arguing, perhaps noticing that no one was actually listening, optig to grumble beside them both. 

“Well.” Castiel was nervous and his sentence was cut off with a gulp before he met Dean’s eyes again. 

“What are we waiting for?”

**

Dean knew there was no reason for him to be this much of a bitch to Castiel. The man was obviously going through some type of shit and Dean was in no position to add to that. The part of his brain that lit the spark in his belly underneath the cauldron of jealousy reminded him that Castiel was a dirty rotten Sam-stealer. The part of his brain that was still functioning with basic human empathy reminded him that realistically he should be alot kinder to Castiel for taking care of Sam. 

Maybe he should take a leaf out of his younger brother's book and trust this odd stranger who had stumbled into his life. 

** 

Silence fell as Dean and him walked down the middle of the highway of buttfuck nowhere. Cas decided to leave it and instead of roaming through the social part of his brain for conversation starters he decided that tracing the laces of his oxfords was the best option. Dean huffs next to him, annoyed. Which was not abnormal. Actually a very common occurrence among people who talked to Castiel. A few minutes of forced small talk and then they’d give up and decided that however much money Castiel Novak’s family had, it was not worth talking to an overgrown anxious child. Dean Winchester, however, was not normal and continued to talk. 

“How about first crush.” 

“Are we venturing from normal small talk?”

“Look man, I have no idea how long it’s gonna’ take us to walk to this friggin gas station, might as well entertain ourselves.” 

“First crush did you say?”

“Yeh like, some pretty girl at sunday church or something I dunno.” Cas looked back down at his feet. He felt each step in his ankles, the tar disappearing beneath his oxfords. Tar morphed to grass and oxfords shrunk from size fourteen oxfords to size 4 sneakers. He looked to his side, head tilted slightly up because of the few inches Dean had on him. But he didn’t need to. Because it wasn’t Dean Winchester huffing along next to him. No this boy was shorter than him. Brown skin, eyes and hair and he was not staring expectantly at him. No, this boy was looking straight ahead, skipping with each step, laughing after obviously cracking a hilarious joke. 

“You’re funny Harry.” His lips formed the words but his voice wasn’t saying them. Not the voice of post-puberty Castiel anyway. A younger Castiel. This time when he looked beside him, hoping to see that boy again, just one more time, he had disappeared. And Dean Winchester was staring again. Raised eyebrows and wide, judgmental eyes. 

“You got heat stroke or something man?” Cas blinks until he can tuck that memory back into his mind and focus on Dean. 

“What's your favourite colour?” Cas frowned and tilted his head until Dean’s smiling face was all he could see. Cas couldn’t even believe that he was walking down the middle of the road on some random highway with some random man who he hadn’t known for even two days. It was ridiculous and nonsensical and if his mother ever caught wind of it she would have multiple aneurysms. 

“No. Wait I think I can guess.” Cas’s eyebrows uncrumpled and he let the tips of his lips relax until the ghost of a smile. But he couldn’t discredit how Dean had managed to wriggle under his skin. Dean had fluctuated between weirdly specific, somewhat personal questions and getting to know you questions from the first grade. Castiel had not returned the favour, somewhat due to the fact that Dean barely let him get a word in. After he was satisfied with Castiel’s answer, he was launching into another obscure question. 

Because Castiel wasn’t five years old, he did not have a favourite colour. 

“You look like a blue man.” Dean scratched his chin. Cas opened his mouth to tell Dean that he was in fact a twenty five year old man and didn’t actively have a favourite colour but then the older Winchester became all of a sudden so excited that his eyes widened and mouth stretched. 

“No, no, no, no. Wait.” Castiel couldn’t tell where this was coming from. Didn’t understand where any of it was coming from. Dean Winchester was supposed to hate him still. Dealing exclusively in scowls and grunts. But here he was, cheery as ever. It was for certain now, Dean Winchester was an odd man. 

“Definitely yellow.”

“Yellow?” 

“Yeh.” 

He was beaming and Cas didn’t know him well enough to tell if he was forcing his lips into a smile or if this was his genuine reaction to asking Castiel billions of questions. 

“Yes, that is my favourite colour.” Dean grinned and punched Cas’s shoulder. Cas reached up to rub the spot and even though he was in fact, not a five year old and didn’t have a favourite colour, the yellow daisies on the side of the road took a new light. He could live in yellow. 

“I’ll race ya’.”

“What are you? Twelve.” Dean’s smile grew

“What can I say, my life peaked when I was twelve.” Castiel rolled his eyes and squinted at Dean but didn’t say anything. Dean’s smile was still tattooed on his lips and Castiel couldn’t bring himself to look away. He gazed at 

Castiel’s chest heaved with a sigh before he took off after him. His feet complained after a few hard slaps of his soles against the hard tar but he willed his legs forward, carrying him until the burn of his legs overtook the burn in his heart and eyes. The muscles of his legs stomped the grief from his body, even if for just a moment. 

It didn’t take long to catch up to Dean but Castiel suspected it was definitely for a lack of trying on Dean’s part. A broad, strong Kansas man would outrun a depressed med-student any day. 

When they were running live twelve year olds, shoulder to shoulder, Castiel’s lips had tipped at the sides and when he met Dean’s eyes he felt it stitch to his mouth as he watched Dean’s smile grow fonder. 

Dean reached out an arm and shoved Castiel. It wasn’t mean, not like the ones he was used to. No, this shove was all part of the game they somehow had begun to play. Castiel decided that he could play as well, he wanted to play. So, he reached out and shoved Dean back. Giggles bubbled from Dean’s throat and Castiel never wanted those bubbles of laughter to pop. He wanted to preserve them and keep them. 

Cas’s legs felt like jelly and his brain was well on the way to joining them in mush. His smile was a reaction, not a response to appease someone, not forced, it was free. Castiel decided he would give Dean Winchester as many free smiles as he wanted. 

Dean gave another firm shove and as some sort of testament to the strength that bubbled under his biceps, Castiel toppled over onto the tar. Flailing limbs toppling over and bringing Dean down with him.

His knees bled onto the tar, scratched and bloody and it felt good. His smile was still free across his lips and when he looked up at Dean, he wanted to watch as his laughter floated past him but instead, when he met Dean’s eyes his smile had faded and his eyes drifted to the tops of his shoes. 

The moment was over. “C’mon or we’ll never get back. 

**

It took them around three hours to get to the gas station and by the time they got there, Cas had already had multiple breakdowns on the side of the road about how they were going to be kidnapped. For the most part, Dean was sticking to his new, nice enough act that Castiel had picked up on and whenever he had grumbled that he was sure this was how he died, Dean would just stare at Castiel until he shut up. 

“Told ya’ we wouldn’t get kidnapped.” Castiel rolled his eyes and grumbled. 

**

Dean sat across from Castiel in their booth. Mouths very much closed and stomachs growling. Dean had worked for hours trying to open Castiel up. Wanting to understand the guy. He realises that small talk and weirdly specific questions may have been the wrong way to go about it and maybe he’s skipped a few steps in the getting to know someone handbook but it’s not like they have weeks to open up to one another. Castiel’s face was somewhat hidden in the shadows of the flickering lights above them and the complete lack of light from outside. The diner they’d tucked themselves away in was dark and dingy and sparse customer wise, one guy sat at the bar, forehead slumped on what looked to be a cold waffle. Dean had made the executive decision to hole the both of them up in the twenty four hour diner for the night. 

The little diner was not unlike the many Dean, Sam and their dad had taken refuge in on similar nights to this one. Dean had almost expected Castiel to turn his nose up at the place but his companion remained stoically quiet much like he’d been on the side of the highway.

With no hotels around and Castiel’s constant bitching about kidnapping, he really saw no other option. Their waiter had written them down for two cups of coffee and Dean had been able to bully Castiel into a bacon cheeseburger. ‘Ryan’s’ name badge was tilted down and his uniform hung off his hips as if it was the only one left when they hired him. His nose was crooked, broken a few times, like Dean’s own. His crooked nose however, didn’t hinder him in his very obvious plight to flirt with Castiel. Castiel hadn’t blinked an eye when Ryan initiated their order by referring to him as handsome and the sleep deprived side of his brain may be misleading him but he could have sworn he saw Castiel blush. 

Dean had blocked John Winchester’s voice from his head a long time ago. But, as he watched and stereotyped the situation in front of him, his father's voice spat against his skull. 

_‘Pansies’_

Ryan laughed and patted Castiel’s shoulder. 

_‘Fags’_

Dean’s eyes darted from the table to Castiel and the waiter and back to the tabletop. When he darted back to Castiel, Ryan was not hanging off his shoulder and his eyes were squinted. 

“Do you have something to say Dean?” Dean bobbed like a guppy, eyes still not settling on a subject and darting around the diner. Castiel leaned forward and folded his arms on top of the wooden booth. Dean found it hard to meet Castiel’s eye who was still staring, searching him, obviously having decided that trying to read his mind was easier than asking him about it. Castiel opened his mouth and Dean was terrified of what he was going to say. 

“May I ask you questions?” Dean furrowed his eyebrows. He had felt like he had been bought in by a very polite police officer and was being put through the nicest interrogation ever. When Dean didn’t answer Castiel continued. 

“You have asked me lots of questions but I do not know anything about you.” 

“If you want.”

“What do you do?”

“Firefighter.’”

“You’re a firefighter?” 

Dean puffed his chest out, shoulders back. Some would have said he looked much like a Peacock, flaunting himself. This had most definitely not been Dean’s intention. 

“Captain actually.”

“And your brother is at law school?” His instincts seized up and squeezed his belly until he felt sick. The question itself was rude. Who unabashedly compares two siblings in front of said-sibling. But Dean couldn’t bring himself to see Castiel’s question as rude. Because as Cas saw it, it wasn’t rude. He was genuinely curious. That didn’t stop Dean’s chest inflating more. 

“Yes. Got a problem?” 

“No, not at all.” Silence had never felt so heavy. Dean could feel Castiel’s regret. Watched him as he sunk further away from him the more he tried to be ‘intimidating’ and the snarkier his responses were. So, he relaxed his shoulders and deflated his chest. His hands mirrored Castiel’s and sat opposite, equally composed. Dean tried his hardest to look open and inviting. 

“The two of you are very different.”

“Yeh well I wasn’t gonna let Sammy turn out like me.” Cas squints at Dean again. Looking back Dean realised that this was not something you said to a near stranger who you basically only knew their favourite colour. No, this was not something you said to a man you had met barely two days ago but nothing about the formation Castiel and Dean’s relationship followed any kind of norm or status-quo but rather followed the beating of their hearts and the tugging of their loneliness. They were still staring and Dean realised that it had definitely become weird and not something two guys do.

“Speaking of Sammy, I better go call him.” 

**

Castiel felt how fast Dean retreated from their booth. Watched his retreating back until he was shrouded in the side of Diner outside. Castiel didn’t move. Instead he stewed. He stewed in the self loathing that had wriggled in through his temples as soon as he saw Dean close off and retreat. 

He had done it again. 

Another person for him to repress and forget. 

Cas lamented over the shadow of Dean outside the window, tucked into the phone booth outside. The tugging sensation was back. Slipping around his throat until he couldn’t breathe. Castiel had watched Dean try. Watched him force the kindest from his pores until Castiel inevitably fucked it up like he’d done so many times before. 

Before he could dwell on his self loathing, Castiel felt his phone buzz in his pocket. A somewhat rude awakening that his unconscious plan to run away from everything had in fact failed. The man who had been kind enough to drive him across (state) had inevitably come to the conclusion that he was not worth his time. So, he picked his phone from his pocket and flipped it opened for the first time in two days. He had 20 messages from his mother. He ignored them all. Skipping to his brother's contact he saw four messages. 

_‘Where are you?”_   
  


_‘Call me back or I’ll hang you by your thumbs’_

_‘Please answer my calls Castiel. I’m worried’_

_‘It will be ok again. I promise’_

The tugging feeling constricted around his throat and tugged at his belly until he started to feel sick. His twin brother had always been somewhat overprotective. Gabriel once told them that when his mother figured out she was pregnant once again, she had no idea that she was pregnant with twins. When Castiel popped out 37 minutes later, it was a shock for everyone. It turned out that James Novak had in fact been wrapped around Castiel the entire time their mother had been pregnant and none of the sonograms could pick him up. It became a joke of sorts in their family that Jimmy had been protecting Castiel since conception. 

He typed back his response. 

_‘I’m ok Jimmy. I’m sorry.’_


	4. 4.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is literally a month since I posted the last chapter, I am really excited to tell this story but this is my first time posting any of my works online let alone trying to finish one, so I hope someone likes it and sticks around! I'd love to know what you think! Pretty please xx

**_"But my dreaming self_ **

**_r_** **_efuses to be consoled._ **

**_I_** **_t continues to wander, aimless,_ **

**_homeless, alone."_ ** ****

Castiel hadn’t been home for a week now, his phone had been turned off and he hadn’t heard from his family. A week was by no means the longest he’d managed when running away from his family, but still a feat within itself. He realises that a twenty five year old man, self-proclaiming that he has in fact run away from home is a little sad, but he doesn’t care. The highway feels like home now, a long, winding constant that couldn’t be rivalled by anything at the moment. The highway felt like home in the same sense that his childhood home does, not at all but still a place he’d gotten used to and knew he needed to stay, in order to survive. The highway was his escape and that was all Castiel wanted. To escape and hide. 

It didn’t take them long to pull into their last motel. It was an appendage off the highway, small, dingy and damp but Castiel took some comfort in the shitty motel in its proximity to St. Louis. He was on the homestretch. Nevertheless, he didn’t know how he should be feeling. Dean Winchester had become some kind of enigma. Every time Castiel thought of the older Winchester, the grief in his belly didn’t feel so heavy compared to the fantasy living behind his eyelids. When he closed his eyes, Dean’s smile was tattooed on the back.. But he knew Dean Winchester would not last. He knew boys like Dean Winchester. Saw them everyday for six years, shoved up against lockers and had bruises beaten into his cheeks and torso by boys like Dean Winchester. No, Dean Winchester would not last but the thought of him, having already been planted firmly in his mind, would not go away anytime soon. 

**

“We’ll be in St Louis by tomorrow.” Castiel nodded his head jerkily. Then there was a shuffling next to him and a soft sigh from Sam. 

“Cas what’s going on man” Even though Cas could feel the inquisition coming, it doesn’t mean it didn’t make his body flinch. He knew he would have to explain soon, he sometimes forgot how young Sam was for he was always so kind and intelligent.

“Talk to me Cas I want to help, I want to understand-” 

“Samandriel is dead Sam.” He knows it’s insensitive and that he should’ve told Sam that Alfie had ‘passed away’ or ‘was no longer with them’ but why dance around the truth? His brother was dead and he needed to process that before it festered and made him go insane. 

“Oh Cas…” Sam was silent for a long time. 

“That’s why you left Stanford early.” Cas nodded again. 

“I’m so sorry - I know it doesn't mean much. But I am Cas.” Cas turned his head to look at Sam for the first time since he’d sat down beside him. Castiel had half a mind to realise that at the very least Sam looked like he was genuinely sorry, which if on anyone else would have angered him. 

“I was hoping to get away from my family for the summer but that never works.” 

“That’s why you ran away from Gabriel.” 

Castiel nodded again.

He felt Sam get to his feet and he thought that the younger man was going to retreat, get away from Castiel as fast as possible. But he didn’t. Instead Sam took a step closer to Cas and wrapped his arms around Castiel’s shoulders. Cas’s arms sat heavily in his lap still as he felt the warmth that was cooped up in Sam’s body seep into his shirt and then his chest. Sam sighed into his shoulder. 

“This is the part where you hug back, Cas.” 

Cas leaned forward a little and wrapped two firm arms around Sam’s neck. He breathed in hard through his nose and let his chest expand against Sam’s. As much as he hates to admit it but when Sam pulls away and slaps a heavy hand to his shoulder and retreats into the room, he does feel minutely better than he had earlier in the night. The grief in the pit of his belly didn’t feel so heavy.

**

“Left up ahead.”

“Jesus Cas, and I thought I lived in the middle of nowhere.” 

They’d been driving for three hours from their shitty motel. One of those hours had been filled with ums and ahs from Castiel as he gave flimsy left and rights to his grandparents 'cottage’. Trees bracketed the now dirt road and Dean was somewhat envious of the fact that Castiel got to stay here. It looked like some kind of sanctuary or national park. Sprawling green and brown and blue. Heaven almost. 

“My grandparents are in a sense hermits.” Was the reply that huffed a laugh from Dean. 

Cas rushed out another left and just as Dean's hands were spinning the steering wheel and straightening the wheels of the Impala Castiel’s grandparents 'cottage’, came into view. 

Dean didn’t know whether Castiel was humble or stupid. Because the self-proclaimed cottage was anything but. On the edge of the crest of the towering hill in the middle of the ramble of fields, proudly stoop two stories of money. Climbing white walls with a wrap around balcony at the top. Dean was too busy staring at what he would call more of a mansion than a cottage to notice Castiel and Sam get out of the Impala until a loud rapping on his window threw him a few inches from the front seat. 

“C’mon Dean.” Sam muffled through the car window. 

**

Bruce Novak had never really changed over the few decades that Castiel had known him. Having walked through his grandparents front door, the Winchester’s straggling behind him, he can confirm that his grandfather had kept up this streak. His eyes still strained to reflect blue against the rectangles that sat on the tops if his cheeks and his hair still skirted the edges of a bald spot in patches of grey until the edges where it gave up and decided to just splotch itself in white wisps. 

Of course, even as Castiel lumbered through this man’s front door dragging bags and two strangers, Bruce did not look up. He stayed slumped over what Cas assumed was his infamous cryptic crosswords. 

Carol Novak on the other hand was out of her chair in seconds, Castiel’s cheeks in between her palms. Her eyebrows furrowed and he had never regretted anything more in his life that this was the first time that he had seen his grandmother in nearly five years. Her white hair bobbed around her chin and her green eyes battled with his blue until Castiel just closed his eyes and sighed into his grandmother's embrace. 

He is well aware of the fact that he should very well be completely embarrassed by this quite public display of affection that he and his grandmother are condoning in front of both Winchester’s. He can faintly hear the snide remarks that Dean had to be whispering in his big, dumb, jock head. But Castiel couldn’t find it in him to care because as he pulled away and blinked down at his grandmother he finally felt somewhat safe. 

“What have I told you about growing.”

“If I could control it, I would, grandmother.” She smiled a sigh and gave his cheeks a little slap. She looked over his shoulder and he could see her eyes light up. 

“And who might you two be?” Carol shuffled until her navy slacks and white sweater faced Dean and Sam. 

“You know Sam Winchester grandmother, he’s my roommate.” Sam softened a smile down at his grandmother and uttered his greetings and pleasantries. Castiel’s eyes shifted to Dean and immediately made eye contact with him. He was turned toward Cas and 

“And his brother Dean.” 

“Well it is very lovely to meet the both of you.” Carol says in return. She then turned to her husband and upon realising that Bruce had in fact not shifted a joint since the three men had entered she sighed and rolled her eyes. 

“Robert.”

Castiel’s grandfather hummed a response and when Carol didn’t elaborate any further he finally looked up. 

“Ah, Castiel. What a surprise.” His grandfather winked at him and stepped around the table to shake his hand. Castiel felt his lips tilt up. 

“Grandfather.”

“How’s it going lads.” Bruce turned to Sam and Dean, addressing them now. 

“Well thank you, Sir.”

“Spectacular.” Both Winchester’s answered at the same time, earning Dean quite a direct stare from Sam. Bruce huffed a smile once again. After a particularly long, awkard silence, Dean seemed to decide that he needed to break it. 

“Well we best be off,” he said.

**

Goodbyes were short and sharp. He and dean exchanged a very manly handshake that no doubt restored deans trust in his masculinity. Sam on the other hand wrapped his long arms around Cas and Cas did the Sam. Hanging onto him. No words were exchanged except for the customary see you laters, Castiel and Sam conveyed all they needed in the hug and the soft smiles.

** 

The last time Castiel set foot in his grandparents house, he was twenty years old. Cas walked through the ridiculous amount of hallways that connected all of the house's grand rooms. One thing he always loved about this place were the hallways. Long and sometimes winding but never dull, for his grandmother spent a long time decorating the walls with frames upon frames of childhood and family. 

This particular hall way, connecting the top of the stairs to all the guest bedrooms had very few pictures hanging from it’s walls. To Castiel’s right hung a black frame. Within that black frame sat Castiel’s seventh birthday party. A plastic table that had at the time nearly touched his hairline at seven years old but would now only go to about his mid thigh sat front and centre. One of the legs of the plastic table was a faded yellow, the other a splotchy blue and was rounded out by the pink top that harboured six pairs of elbows. 

Castiel’s rested in the middle, clad in a too-big white dress shirt. His step-mother had wrestled him into it that morning all the while Jimmy stood next to him neatly tucking his tails into his pants. Jimmy sat next to him, one elbow resting on the plastic table, the other wrapped around Castiel’s neck. Jimmy appeared to be letting out a squeal of some sort, he remembers thinking that he wished Gabriel would stop tickling him just for one second so they could take the photo. Anna and Alfie were squished in the middle of Gabriel’s lap, twisted into tickling Jimmy as well, a gummy smile taking over both their faces having just lost identical front teeth to the treacherous tooth fairy. Next to Gabriel sat Micheal. To anyone else, Micheal looked indifferent. Smart sweater and tie aside, his lips were pulled into a tight smile and he rested his elbows on the plastic table with the rest of his siblings. Looking as if someone behind the camera had a gun. But Castiel knew now and even back then that Micheal’s eyes would always deceive him. They shined, a familiar signature that was as common as Micheal’s interactions with his siblings. But it was there. Of course this was before Micheal shoved a huge, shiny pole up his ass. 

The last one to be squished on the end of the plastic table was not a Novak at all. This boy was half hanging off the end of the tiny seat and onlookers of the photograph would only be able to make out the side profile of his face. This was because Harry Milton had his full attention on Castiel. A smile making his brown skin glow even more until you could just make out the glinting of a few pearly whites. 

In front of Castiel was a sagging, three tier cheesecake. Gabriel’s idea. His stepmother had organised a cake of course, but Gabriel somehow managed to trip and fall face first into it. This three tier cheesecake had been made the day before when five of his siblings had spent the hour of his piano lesson on it. Cas remembers Anna bragging that they had done it all by themselves which he knew was code for Gabriel locked Naomi out of the house again. 

Some may call it sad for a twenty five year old man’s favourite birthday to be his seventh but looking down at the picture Cas couldn't quite shake the bubbling that started from his toes and worked its way up. Castiel studied all of them. From Micheal down to Harry but eventually all his eyes could do was flick between Harry and Alfie. The tugging sensation was back. It tugged on his stomach and his heart until he felt it work it’s way up to the backs of his eyes and that was when he had to shake himself. 

Too much. 

Way too much. 

Far too much. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! xx


	5. 5.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy finally catches up with Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another Cas-central chapter. I just wanted to really establish Cas's side of the plot because it was definitely the hardest to write. Next chapter will have more Dean and the Lawrence characters!
> 
> I hope someone likes it! Let me know what you think!

_**"There are hundreds of ways to see you** _

_**when I merely close my eyes."** _

Castiel was ten years old when he first ran away from home. He’d just had a fight with his brother, Luke, and decided that the bus station was nicer than his family home. Before he could get on a bus though, Gabriel found him and they sat on the bus bench until the bus pulled up and ten year old Castiel could feel his big brother staring at him. He sighed and unwound the bag straps from his shoulders and dumped it in Gabriel’s lap and stalked off in the way of their house. 

That night, when he got home and he crossed the threshold into his and Jimmy’s room, Castiel was promptly tackled and wrestled to the ground while his twin sat on his chest. Of course it was not the first time he had seen tears in Jimmy’s eyes, they’d sat in opposite highchairs and slept in adjacent beds and scraped the same knees since they were born. But this was the first time that Castiel saw Jimmy angry at him. Furious even. Blotches across the tops of his cheeks gave away the tears he’d very obviously cried and the redness of his cheeks and forehead gave away the very real anger he was exuding on his brother beneath him. 

“You left me.” Jimmy hiccuped. All Castiel could do was stare. 

“You left me.” Jimmy repeated 

“I’m sorry.”

“If you run away again you have to take me with you.” Castiel nodded. From that night on, whenever Castiel furiously threw clothes in his backpack, he would furiously throw clothes in Jimmy’s as well. 

St Louis was often their destination of choice. Hiking the dirt roads of their grandparents estate was nothing to the twins. So, it was no surprise to Castiel when he woke up the next day, in his grandparents house and there was a white, Buick Lesabre parked on the hill outside his window. He took the stairs one at a time, past the frames sitting on either side of his shoulders and stopped at the bottom of the stairs, hidden behind the wall that when rounded would reveal him to all those in the kitchen. 

Peaking around the corner he could see three sets of feet around the white wooden table. He always loved his grandparents' kitchen. It was grand and spacious, counters ran in a 'U' formation around the top half of the room, framing the island in the middle. 

His grandfather would not have it any other way. “You can take the baker out of the bakery Castiel, but you cannot take my muffins away from me.” He would say. Bruce owned a quaint but not small bakery that hung on the outskirts of the main CBD of St Louis, that was Castiel’s happy place. Baking with his grandfather was one of Castiel’s favourite things when he was a child. Frog bread was always his favourite, stretching to the counter to sniff the flour from the counter and watch Bruce knead and stir the dough into a frog. 

Sometimes, if Castiel could time his running away from home escapades just right when he was younger, Bruce would take him down to the bakery. Castiel would go by himself, Jimmy complained about sticky hands too much to enjoy it, and would stand on the stool next to his grandfather's work station. Mostly icing cupcakes, big cakes, piping cream and jam between sweet buns and sometimes, if he was lucky, twisting dough into squiggles, ovals and fluffy cylinders. 

Even now, as a twenty five year old man hiding behind the corner of said - grandparents - grandparents and his brother, he could smell some kind of sweet aroma from the kitchen, sweeping underneath the socked soles of his feet and out from behind the corner. 

All eyes on him. 

Two blue pairs and one grey. 

Cas let his chest rise and fall with the silence as Bruce’s chair scraped the grey floor tiles and retreated to the oven door. 

“You're just in time Castiel.” He began, back hunched over the open oven, he slipped his tea towel underneath the tray and held it out triumphantly for them all. 

“Buns are just out of the oven.” His smile was like an epidemic and spread to each of their faces. His grandmother had soft heart eyes that even Castiel could see, Jimmy’s eyes were on him. They stared until Jimmy’s eyes convinced Castiel to scrape the seat next to Jimmy out from under the table and sit down. Blueberry muffins slipped in front of all four of them, Castiel’s favourite. He sighed and tilted his head towards his twin. 

“How long did it take you?” Castiel questioned 

Jimmy shrugged and chewed his muffin. “One day to figure out you weren’t coming back, another day to convince Gabriel to not come with me, then two days to get here.” Castiel nodded, chewing on his own muffin. 

“Do you remember that swing you two built when you were twelve? It’s still out there you know, your grandfather and I walked past it the other day.” His grandmother never really understood the two of them. Sometimes they would sit in silence for hours, doing their own thing, something people interpreted as the two twins being angry at one another but is rather the opposite. Silence became somewhat of their sibling love language in a way. Comfortable, easy silence. Their weird silence now must have been too much apparent anger for his grandmother and as with most things, tried her best to patch it. 

The both of them nodded. 

“It’s not much of a walk.” Jimmy sighed, finishing the rest of his muffin off and tucking his chair back underneath the table. 

“Come, come sweet pea, I want a swing on the swing.” 

**

Long grass was always somewhat irritating to Castiel. This was particularly unfortunate at this very moment because most of his grandparents' estate was long grass, especially the outskirts, where he and Jimmy had tracked all the way out to. In silence of course. 

Cas couldn’t help but smirk at the fact that Carol had in fact tried to convince them that their swing, ‘was not that far out’ but actually sat on the outskirts of the estate. The outskirts were much more rugged than the circles of trees and short cut grass of the house. The outskirts rose and fell with the erosion of the hills and the spattering of unwanted daisies blotched them in white and yellow and green. Castiel tilted his shoulder down until his hand was low enough to pluck one of these white daisies from its stem. 

Looking back up, Cas realises that Jimmy has found their swing. He uses the term swing loosely, the round of splintered braided rope that they had found down by the river as twelve year olds and two drilled holes from their grandmother’s stolen drill and a plank of wood, also stolen from their grandmother’s toolshed, could be misconstrued as a swing of some sort. 

Jimmy guided his ass onto the plank of wood like a plane coming into land, carefully and trying his hardest not to crash into the ground. Thankfully, with his full weight now weighing down the swing, he was still suspended in the air. Castiel caught up with his brother and squeezed in next to him. 

“Are we actually going to talk eventually or is this a silent date into the woods?”

“This is hardly a woods, Jimmy” “

There's a tree over there. 

“I missed you” 

“I know, I am sorry.” 

“You know when someone breaks a pinky promise you have to cut off their pinky finger.” Cas smiles. The twin brothers had in fact made quite a few pinky promises when they were younger and a few as they got older. But Cas knew which one he’d broken and so he held out his pinky finger. Jimmy rolled his eyes. 

“No thank you, it was a joke.” They sat in their silence once again. In his head the silence was getting smaller and Castiel couldn’t deny the lump welling in his throat. 

The Novak family was large, too large some may attest, and for as long as he could remember Castiel could never claim to be alone in their family home as a child. He would count his siblings as they sped down the stairs for dinner, making sure that they were all in fact still with him. He sometimes felt suffocated and stifled by the personalities that wafted in and out of his peripheral but he wouldn’t have it any other way. That was his family and he would headcount them all until he died making sure they were safe. 

He could never go back to that city let alone that house. Knowing with all the pieces of his heart that he would never check Alfie off his safe list. Alfie hadn’t been safe and it was all Castiel’s fault. 

The lump in his throat welled and he thought he might throw it up. But it bypassed his tonsils and instead sat behind his eyes. Leaning against the backs of his eyes until he couldn’t bear it and he cried. They rolled down his cheeks and traced the outline of his nose and his lips. Mounds of grief floated from the pit of his stomach and this time decided that they would stop at his tonsils and spill from his lips, sobs now racking his body and voice box. 

Jimmy sighed and pulled him close until Castiel’s head lay in the middle of his brother’s chest and Jimmy leaned his forehead into Cas’s hair. 

“I miss him already Jimmy.” He sobbed. He’d started now, there was no stopping. Jimmy whispered his understanding into his hair. He missed his brother. He just wanted to hold Alfie and tell him that he loves him and that he’s needed and wanted and loved and that he doesn’t have to go anywhere because he’ll love him to the ends of the earth if he has to. His grief sat heavily in his belly. It was big and heavy and gross and he wanted to reach inside himself and pull it out and throw it as far away as he could. That wasn’t an option. So he sat. He sat with his guilt and his grief and cried into his brother that was here, holding him, listening to him. 

The tears had slowed enough for his hiccups to stop and his shoulders to still. Jimmy was still wrapped around him and he couldn’t be more thankful to have his twin here than ever before. 

Everyone always joked that if Jimmy was a little less normal then Jimmy and Castiel would in fact be the twins from The Shining. Castiel was of course very awkward and odd but Jimmy did constantly stuff his face with food and nearly exclusively spoke in star trek quotes when he was fourteen so he guesses they’re tipping close. 

But he felt sorry for people who didn’t have a Jimmy. His Jimmy knew him, inside and out, knew when he needed their silence and when he needed to be talked out of his head. And in return, Jimmy had a Castiel. Jimmy’s Castiel also knew him inside and out, when he was actually overeating to hide and when he needed to sit in their silence for a while. They were almost an appendage of each other. In a completely non-weird way, of course. 

Jimmy broke the silence first. “Do you remember when we were thirteen. Alfie must have been only about five. Grandma forced father out of his office for once and made him take us on another one of those hideous fishing trips. God we all hated them. You in particular might I add.” For the first time since they’d actually walked all the way out here, Castiel smiled. 

“The most interaction with father that most of us have ever gotten. Father took you, me, Anna, Gabriel, Micheal, Luke and Alfie down to the river bank, put a rod in all of our hands and told us all to ‘go ahead’. We knew the drill, toss your line in and shut up but poor little Alfie and Anna couldn’t for the life of him work out the bait. Father told him that it was time he learnt to do it for himself now and just walked away from his five year old son.” Jimmy shook his head once again. 

“We all watched Alfie stand there holding the worm in one hand, dangling rather uncomfortably, and the hook in the other. Father shuffled back over to Alfie on the bank and asked him what he was doing and Alfie just nodded to the poor worm and said, “I’m waiting for him to open his mouth.”” Both the Novak twins shook with chuckling laughter at the memory of their little brother. But as with most things lately, thoughts of anything happy soured quickly in Castiel’s mind. 

“We should have gone home sooner.” Cas whispered. Jimmy tilted his forehead down into Cas’s hair once again and he could feel his brother shaking his head. 

“You can’t think like this Cassie. It’s detrimental and unhelpful and I can even hear Alfie scolding you for it.” Cas sat up from Jimmy’s arms and clung to his side of rope, rubbing his hands back and forth across his already red and puffy eyes until he could look his brother head on. 

“You’re not a psychiatrist yet Jimmy. Stop trying to psychoanalyse me.” When he finally was face to face with Jimmy he realised that his eyes were red and puff too. Jimmy’s face did not change despite the change in Castiel’s voice and shift of conversation. His face was neutrally kind for many moments until he spoke again.

“Of course you’re thinking about the ‘what if’s’ Cas. There is no answer. There are just questions, constantly in your head.” Jimmy tilted his head to the left. 

“We don’t have to forget him Cas. He’s somewhere, whether it’s in the ground or next to us right now listening and giving you the biggest bitch face ever. He’s somewhere and we can love him. We can love him until we get to see him again.” Castiel had never been more thankful for his brother. With or without a psychology degree, Jimmy always knew what was going on in his head and knew what words would help quell the spiral he would twist himself into. 

“Come on, I think I’m getting sunburnt.” Castiel didn’t even need to speak for his brother to know that was as far as their conversation was going. 

“And besides, I’ve got a surprise for you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope someone likes it! Let me know what you think!


	6. 6.

**“You touched the place in my heart**

**where love runs wild.”**

The house always seemed to feel warmer whenever Sam was home. Of course it was all in Dean’s head, despite Sam’s large stature and extra body heat, he doubts it’s a physical thing. But having his little brother around again did make his heart warmer. 

Dean also seemed to spend more time in the Big House - Bobby and Ellen’s house. He lived out the back, in the granny flat that he and Sam would hide from their dad in, if they didn’t want to go home. He supposes he should feel embarrassed living in a granny flat at the age of twenty three. But he didn’t have to pay rent - no matter how much he badgered Bobby about it. 

“Don’t be ridiculous boy, if I wanted your money I’d pay you less.” He would say whenever Dean bought it up. For however much he denies it, he loves his little granny flat. It was cosy and Dean had been able to make it his own, a luxury he hadn’t been afforded with many things in his life.

At this point in time though, his flat and cosy fireplace were out of reach. He’d been lying underneath fire truck engines all day and he was starting to boil in his own sweat. But he still had hours until he could clock off from the station. Not that he didn’t love being a firefighter, it was of course his dream since he was a kid, but being a firefighter in the middle of summer, on a slow day, underneath big ass fire engines all day was not that cooshy. 

“Winchester, get your ass outta’ here,” A voice from far above him yelled. Rolling out from the engine Dean glanced at the second floor of the station and saw Bobby leaning against the railing that encompassed all of the balcony on the second floor. 

Dean frowned, “I’ve got a couple more hours down here.” He shouted back. 

“You’ve done enough for the day, get outta’ here.” 

**

Castiel and Jimmy walked their way back down the outskirts of their grandparents' estate, this time with a lot more chit chat between the brothers. Jimmy flung an arm around Cas’s shoulder as gravel crunched underneath their shoes and the house came into view. Jimmy led Cas through the house, past the kitchen and the living room and finally came to a stop in front of, arguably Castiel’s favourite room in the whole house, the library. Castiel knitted his eyebrows together and turned his head until Jimmy could see it. 

“Don’t look at me like that. You’ll be crying in a second.” Cas rolled his eyes and opened the door of the library. 

Looking at Castiel, you would think that he was a cat kinda guy. Well, he is happy to report that those appearances travel further down into his feline filled heart, and that he is indeed a cat man. So, when he opened the door of the library and the squeak of the hinges was followed by the tiny squeak of a cat, his eyes lit up. 

Castiel whipped his head around until he could see Jimmy who looked far too smug. Cas turned back to the tiny white kitten that had now made its way to his toes and was looking up at him with big blue eyes. 

“Hello Mooky Moo.” Cas cooed down at the latest edition to his personal household. Mook had come into his life far too unexpectedly for his taste but he supposed it wouldn’t have happened any other way. It was a dark and stormy night and despite the pathetic fallacy of the night, Castiel was having a goodnight. He was out with ‘friends’, a.k.a Jimmy’s friends, and they were trying to fast walk home as quickly as possible. 

As with most things, Castiel was lagging behind the group. It was because of this lagging that led Castiel to Mook. A dark alleyway to his right caught his attention after a white ball took his peripheral vision and decided it wanted it’s full attention. At the end of the alleyway, reflecting off the streetlight was a shivering, matted white kitten. 

When Cas approached them, they let out the smallest, most heart ache inducing sounds that he had ever heard. So, he disrobed from his trench coat and laid it across the ground in front of the kitten. Cas cooed and coaxed until he was able to wrap the little bundle up and call a cab to take them to a vet. 

And she’d been in his life ever since. Even before he found Mook, he had Salem. Somewhat ironic considering that Salem was bright ginger despite her namesake. Salem, being his eldest child, was a bit more planned than Mook. Salem too was found on the side of the road, but not by Castiel. No, by the shelter down the road from Stanford that a particularly pretty man may have worked at and Castiel may have just gone into to look at him. 

Cas never got to see Salem in kitten form. When he adopted her, she was a sprightly, young teenager and had only gotten more mischievous and sprightly with age unfortunately. He had quite some trouble trying to keep her a secret in his dorm when she had 

Of course, everyone in their dorm knew about Salem and then eventually Mook, even the RA’s. But no one ratted them out because Sam and Cas got a few knocks on their door from stressed out college kids who wanted to snuggle with a fluffy animal of some sort. 

Jimmy and the plethora of his other siblings sometimes like to call him a crazy cat lady. Which Cas takes as a compliment because if he could live without human contact and just cats for the rest of his life, he would. No matter if he was in his right mind or not. 

Seeing Mook now, after the aching few days he’d had, he felt safe and comforted. It didn’t take long for Salem to appear. She was always somewhat of a Cas turned to his brother, already covered in cat hair, lips split in happiness for the first time in too long and only had to say one thing, 

“Thank you.” Jimmy briefly looked down at Castiel, a small smile fading as he cast his eyes further down to the red and gold pattern in the carpet. 

“There is something else,” Jimmy digs around in his back pocket until he brings his right hand back around to his front, this time brandishing a yellowed envelope. Cas furrows his eyebrows. 

“Alfie wrote one for you, Me, Gabriel and Anna.” Cas wet his lips with his tongue and sighs not taking the letter. Nothing had ever been mentioned of a suicide note, and now here it was. Being handed to him, effectively his younger brother’s last words. The last part of his little brother he has left. 

Jimmy leaves the envelope when Castiel makes no move to take the envelope. 

**

Dean, for all his bitching, decided that his presence would be more useful up at the clinic rather than in his flat. And by useful he means he hasn’t seen Charlie or Jo in nearly a week and he might be fractionally missing the two of them. 

Dean had hated hospitals ever since he was a kid. When you put a kid in dull, headache inducing hospital waiting rooms, they will eventually come to resent just that.

Walking through the automated doors that lead through the waiting room of the hospital, he is overwhelmed with the same feeling that he felt when he was eight years old, then nine years old, then ten years old and then eleven years old. Just an overwhelming sense to run, break something - anything - until he feels safe again. 

But he’s not eight years old and he clenches his nails into his palm until he can convince his mind that he is ok, that he’s twenty three years old and he’s going to see his friends. Dean walks until he’s face to face with the nurses station. Luckily, sitting at the far end of the faded plywood desk tip tapping patients notes into the computer was Lisa. 

“Lise.” He put on his most charming smile from his pokedex and rested an elbow on the ledge of the desk. 

“How’s it goin’” Lisa didn’t make the effort to look up at Dean. 

“Charlie is in Theatre and Jo is in the staff room.” 

Dean at least as the decency to look somewhat sheepish before muttering a thanks. Because of course Lisa knew that he wasn’t there for her but his other two friends. Female friends. That was always the contention when they were dating. Charlie and Jo. 

If Charlie was in Theatre that meant she wouldn’t be out for a while, depending on what it is that’s being operated on and how hard it is to get the C-arm over it to take the X-ray. Dean sometimes gets lost in all of Charlie’s radiography talk but he knows how much his best friend loves to a) talk and b) talk about her job, so he tries his best to keep up. He would never admit it to Charlie or Jo for that matter but sometimes the best parts of his day are spent up at the hospital. Which is quite the oxymoron to his younger self. 

So Dean speeds away from the nurses station and his feet know the way well enough to take him down the hall to the staff room. Sure enough, hunched over a tupperware container of spaghetti from last night was Jo Harvelle. Blonde hair hovering dangerously over the red mess in her container.

“You trying to eat that or wear it Harvelle?” 

‘Stick a sock in it Winchester.” 

“I haven't seen you in three days and that’s what you go with for our first interaction?” Dean feigns hurt, furrowing his brow. Jo flicks her head until they’re looking at each other and rolls her eyes. 

Jo ignores Dean’s show and plows on. “How did the trip go anyway?” 

“It would have been great but we had to take Sam’s roommate half the way.” Dean grumbles and gets an eyebrow shrunch from Jo in response. Dean went on, explaining how they happened upon Castiel on the side of the road, how he stayed with them for the next couple days and then dropping him off at his grandparents. 

“So, you’re bitching because you had to help some poor sap on the side of the road? Wow Dean that must have been tough.” 

Dean knitted his eyebrows together and huffed a breath out of his nose and protested Jo’s extreme over simplification of the problem. 

“It was supposed to be a me and Sam thing.” He protested. 

“You get Sam all to yourself for the rest of the Summer-” 

“Yeh but-” 

“‘Sup bitches!” 

Charlie always knew how to make an entrance and when. Dean and Jo stopped their brewing argument and turned to the door that Dean was surprised is still on it’s hinges. Her eyes widened and came to Dean’s side and laid a punch on his bicep. 

“Gracing us with your presence finally Dean.” 

“You know you can’t live without me.” Charlie hums and pinches a noodle from Jo’s tupperware. Charlie slid in next to him after pulling her own lunch out of the fridge and the three of them settled into comfortable conversation. The pit in Dean’s stomach counted down it’s weight as he sank into his chair and sank into the company of his friends. Finally, since Castiel shifted his and Sam’s balance, Dean felt safe, comfortable. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is somewhat of a filler chapter but next chapter we start the action and Dean and Cas are reunited! 
> 
> Hope someone likes it and please let me know what you think!

**“Let us live like flowers wild and beautiful**

**and drenched in sun.”**

For as long as he could remember, his grandparents had lived in the same house. His family very rarely visited them however, mostly due to his grandmother’s passive hatred of his step-mother. His three oldest brothers, Luke, Micheal and Gabriel, always hated visiting their grandparents. Luke and Micheal stayed inside for most of their trip, very rarely venturing out into the rolling hills and dense trees that entertained their younger sibling immensely. Gabriel had been more accommodating to his younger siblings then his two other brothers and would often accompany the four little ones on their adventures. 

Castiel and Jimmy took it upon themselves to create fun for their two younger siblings. Anna always found a way to cover herself in filth. Whether it be being caked in mud from head to toe or having grass and leaves stuck through her hair and clothes. Alfie was the other side of that coin. Alfie was always fascinated with everything he came into contact with on his grandparents estate. He was careful, always thinking and rethinking each step to make sure he didn’t crush anything that was important or something he had not marvelled at just yet. Everything was a marvel to behold, to cradle in his hand and softly ask Castiel if he knew what it was. He observed the flowers unfolding in the sun, the insects humming and bumbling through the air, the croaking of an amphibian in his palm that he caught down by the river. 

While Luke, Micheal and Gabriel might have waited for the day that they can leave their grandparents house in the rearview mirror but the four youngest of the Novak’s loathed leaving their happy place. Alfie always cried, asking between hiccups when they would be back, Anna wailing her own protests while Castiel and Jimmy cast their eyes downward trying not to think about having to go back to their normal lives. 

Now, being back on his grandparents estate Castiel can’t stand to walk through the grass that was far too long, up to his thighs. So he opts to sit just outside the outside walls of the house, directly underneath the window to his bedroom, Mook defying all laws of gravity to rest on his shoulder, whiskers tucked underneath his chin and Salem curled like a ginger croissant in his lap. He sits and tries his best to ignore the sun reflecting off the yellowed pages of his novel, trying his hardest to block everything else of the world out. 

To no avail. 

Waving his white flag, Castiel uncrosses his legs, picking Mook off his shoulder and placing her by his side and Salem unfurls her fluffy limbs to bounce behind him as he makes his way back to his bedroom, hoping to finally be able to sleep. He doesn't get very far past the frame of the front door however because his grandmother halts his steps as she calls out from the living room. 

“Castiel, one of those lovely boys that dropped you off called and asked if you would ring him back.” If Castiel was being frank his grandmother was far too excited at the thought that maybe Castiel had some semblance of a friend. Castiel probably should have expected Sam to call but he thought it would be his mobile. Flipping up the front of the phone, Cas sees a missed call from Sam Winchester. Cas is still frowning though because how does Sam even know his grandparents landline number. He decides to not lament on it for too long and rather thanks his grandmother and tippy taps his way up the stairs to his room. 

Still as he remembered it as a kid. Two sets of bunk beds that had been pushed to either side of the room, a bedside table with a lamp and a rotary phone in between the both of them. Young Castiel, Jimmy, Alfie and Anna had covered the bedside table in whatever. Current Castiel only had an old cup of forgotten tea on the bedside table and the yellowing envelope that Jimmy had sat his letter. Each bunk was made up with pristine white duvets except for the stripe of quilt that lay at the bottom of each one. His grandfather made them. All of them. Even one for his three older brothers. Castiel smiles as he sits down on his bottom bunk on the right side of the room, laying a heavy hand over the yellow, brown and white material, fingers spread wide. Castiel’s mind draws his attention from the beautiful quilt to the rotary phone. It was mint green and somewhat crusty but workable all the same. After flipping his phone open and spinning Sam’s number into the rotary phone, Cas closed his eyes and listened to the buzzing as he prepared himself for the conversation. It buzzed for a few more moments and then was silent for another few before Sam spoke. 

“Hello?” Sam answers hesitantly. 

“Hello Sam.” 

“Cas!” 

“You called me back.” Cas frowned at the very obvious statement made by Sam.

“Yes well, I only just saw your message on my phone and this is generally what you do,” 

“Yeh no, course Cas, course.” Cas raised his eyebrows at the receiver really hoping that Sam didn’t need another prompt. When he was answered with silence he realised it was still his turn to speak. 

“What would you like to speak about?” 

“Right yeah of course.” 

“Just wanted to have a chat ya know. See how you’re going ya know?” Cas held the sigh in between his tonsils. He’d really tried to avoid the pity party that everyone seemed to throw for you when they find you’ve lost someone. 

“I am fine Sam. Thank you.” However curt he was being he just wanted the conversion to end. The line was dead once again with Sam’s silence and Cas felt his guilt fester in his stomach. 

“You know Cas I was thinking that-” Sam cut himself off, thinking over his words as they spilled from his throat all too quick. 

“-Maybe you could come over to Lawrence for a bit.”

“That would be...odd.” 

“Wouldn’t it.” Sam sighs

“I dunno Cas, we’re friends aren't we?” 

“Friends look out for each other.” When Castiel didn’t confirm nor deny Sam’s question he continued his pitch. 

“I also happen to know of a clinic here that takes on pre meds for shadowing in the summer.” Sam knew how to crack a hard bargain Castiel will give him that. Castiel had been grumbling over and over how his step-mother was going to make him shadow his uncle Zachariah. He hated his uncle. He was shaped like a snowman and his prickly head and beady eyes always terrified him as a child and still do as an adult. Sam knew that offering Cas this opportunity to shadow someone else is a near-guaranteed way to get him to do anything. Cas just sighs. 

“I would not want to impose on your family.” Cas could almost hear Sam’s eyes rolling. 

“You wouldn't be, they'd be happy to meet you!” Sam’s voice rose with his hopes as he felt Castiel very obviously giving in. Cas sighed once again. He does have to admit that it sounded marvellous to spend his summer drowning in the Winchester family’s distractions of happy families. He could do with a distraction, his novel wasn’t cutting it.

“Ok, when were you thinking of arranging this meet?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope someone likes it and please let me know what you think!


End file.
